9 times out of 10 what is the hardest thing about relationships? People. Being in relationships can be really tricky, whether they are intimate relationships or just friends and family. People can be unpredictable no matter how well we think we know them, and there can be so many things going on in our lives that all it takes is one thing to be out of whack and everything goes sideways. Whether it’s work, study, tiredness, sickness, mental health or just being hungry (maybe that’s just me), there are any number of factors which can impact on our ability to relate to each other. And when we strip everything back, that’s all relationships are; people relating to each other. We do it in different ways and at different levels, but at the end of the day each relationship we have is about relating to and interacting with another human being. So given how challenging they can be, what can we do to make them work a bit better? What can we do so that when things get tough we can find our way through? We can be intentional. Last week we looked at how we can be intentional about the “I”, meaning our role in the relationship. This week we’re going to take a look at how we can be intentional about the “You”, meaning how we can be intentional about the person we are in a relationship with. I see there are three main ways:
Intentional about knowing: The first step in being intentional about the “You” is getting to know the other person. This may seem like stating the blindingly obvious, but a lot of the time we have become a very surface society when it comes to our relationships. We know what is on the surface, but rarely much more than that. We know what people post on their Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat etc., but we don’t know what’s behind it. If we want to be serious about our relationships, we need to learn to get to know people. The closer we want the relationship to be, the more attention we need to pay. This doesn’t mean we need to know everything they do, but we need to get to know who they are. What drives them? What are they passionate about? What makes them happy? What drives them nuts? For those we are closest to, what is their love language? In order for us to have meaningful relationships, we need to know what has meaning for the other person.
Intentional about caring: Again, this may seem like a no-brainer, but I think sometimes in the busyness of life it is one that gets missed. I also think that sometimes we struggle to know how to care for others, and how to allow ourselves to be cared for. We don’t want to step on toes or seem patronising, and we don’t want to seem needy or incapable. But if we want our relationships to be positive, we need to allow time to look out for, and if needed look after, those around us. We all need care and support at times, so caring needs to be part of any healthy relationship. It may be as simple as asking someone how they’re going, allowing time for a chat, or cooking a meal, but whatever it is we need to care for each other. At times our society can be quite disconnected, and this makes being intentional in this area even more important. This can be another area where knowing the other person’s love language can be so important, because that will give us insight into how best to care for them.
Intentional about edifying: Beyond caring for the other person in the relationship, there is another, deeper thing we can do for them, and that is edifying them. Edifying someone means to uplift them and build them up. In order to meaningfully edify someone we need to know their areas of strength and their areas for growth. We also need to know how to speak into their lives in a way which encourages them, not discourages them. When we care for someone we help them to get back up when they are down, when we edify them we encourage them and assist them to step up to another level. When we edify someone it shows that not only do we value who they are, but we believe in their potential and want to see them grow into the best they can be.
One last thing, whilst these blogs are largely aimed at intimate relationships, these skills and behaviours aren’t exclusive to intimate relationships. These are things we can be doing just as much with our friends and family. In fact, these are things that we should be doing just as much with our friends and family. So even if you don’t have a partner, these are skills that you can be practicing in each relationship you have to varying degrees. So how will you be intentional about the “You” today? This week? This month? How can you get to know someone, care for someone or edify someone? While we may be good at one or more of these things, as we talked about last week there is always room for growth, so what can you do differently to try and do these things better? The more intentional you are about your relationships, the more you will see them grow. Next week we’re going to be looking at being intentional about the “Us”.
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