I’ll be honest and say that this is a blog I never thought I’d write. Every person is so different and every relationship is so different, I felt like trying to summarise things into a blog would be almost impossible. Add to that the number of quizzes, apps, websites and articles you see floating about on this topic and it became something I was extremely reluctant to tackle. But as I’ve been writing our series on Intentional Relationships I came to feel that it was something I could no longer avoid. In this series I’ve talked a lot about healthy behaviours, but our behaviours are driven by who we are. In other words, in order for the what (actions) of a relationship to be healthy, the who (participants) needs to be healthy. Most of the things I’m going to say aren’t new, but as you read them don’t think of them just as qualities to look for in a partner, but qualities you aspire to demonstrate as a partner.
Someone who accepts their past, loves their present and is excited for their future: This is another one of those social media quotes that does the rounds on a semi-regular basis. The trouble is I only see it written in terms of looking for someone who will do this for us, rather than us doing it for someone else. At the end of the day we all have things in our lives that we are not proud of, whether it be mistakes we have made, bad situations we have gotten into or lifestyle choices that have led to negative consequences. In order to be able to have a healthy relationship both parties need to be able to accept these things about each other and themselves. As well as this, there needs to be love for the present. A healthy relationship isn’t about trying to make someone into who you want them to be, but loving them for who they are. Finally, we need to be able to look forward to the future. People change and grow, and again both people in the relationship need to support and encourage each other in this process.
Someone who helps carry the burden, not someone who adds to the load: As we’ve already talked about, we all have things in the past that have impacted on us in negative ways. It might be hurt, trauma, grief, or a number of other things which can leave us carrying burdens. When we enter into a relationship it is important that both parties support each other to deal with and carry these burdens. For the relationship to be healthy it can’t be up to one person or the other to carry both people, it needs to be a joint effort. There are certainly times where one person may be struggling so the other picks them up and helps them along, but there needs to be a balance so that both parties are getting their needs met.
Someone who wants to know, and be known: When we first meet people we generally know very little about them. As we get to know them, we will find out more and more both by observation and through what they tell us. In the end the amount we get to know will both depend on and determine the depth of the relationship. In order for an intimate relationship to be healthy, there needs to be a willingness by both parties to get to a point of being completely open. One of the analogies I’ve heard for intimacy is “Into me see”, which means we need to allow the other person to see into us to achieve true intimacy. This will be a process of revealing layers over time, but it is important that both people in the relationship are willing to peel the layers away.
Someone who wants to grow together, not just alongside: You’ve probably all heard the term “two become one” about marriage. This term sums up well what a healthy intimate relationship should be about: growing together so that you operate as one. I’m not talking about having a joint bank account or Facebook profile, I’m talking about working together so well that, as much as possible, it seems like you are completely united. We will always have our uniqueness and differences, and we will never get this completely right, but it is a goal we should work towards. Achieving it requires communication, patience, flexibility and maturity among other things, but the starting point is the desire to be unified.
I’m not going to say this is an exhaustive list, so much of what we want in a partner comes down to our own personality and experiences. But when we look at what we want from a relationship, and how we want a relationship to work, the who of the relationship is critical. By focusing on the who, both in ourselves and in the other person, we give the relationship a healthy foundation to grow from.
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