Who doesn’t love that feeling of new found love? The butterflies, the nerves, the excitement, the new discoveries, the endorphins running rampant. People dream about it, reminisce about it and the media make an absolute mint out of it. But what happens when the feeling fades? What happens when the butterflies aren’t quite what they used to be, when the realities of day to day life kick in? I think there are two ways it can go. If we live for the butterflies and hope for the best, we’re probably going to find ourselves identifying with the next Taylor Swift break up track. But, if we are intentional about our relationships then we may find we can push through these times and find a richer relationship on the other side. If we are intentional about the “Us” we can ensure that our relationship has what it needs to get through the ups and downs.
Be Intentional about Establishing: It’s so tempting in those initial stages of a relationship to just go with the flow and “let love take its course”, but the reality is that those early stages of the relationship are the best time to start being intentional. Does this mean we shouldn’t enjoy the time and the excitement of new love? Not at all, but at the same time as doing that we need to be intentional. Being intentional about establishing means doing the groundwork for the relationship to grow from. Being intentional starts with getting to know each other. Look at things like what’s important to each of you? What are your goals and do they line up? What are the things that each of you need in a relationship? It may be that in this stage you find that the relationship isn’t going to work for one reason or another, and by being intentional you can hopefully find this out earlier so there is less heartache in the relationship ending. Think of it like a garden, this is the stage where you are preparing the soil for a healthy foundation, putting in borders of healthy boundaries and planting the seeds of how you want the relationship to grow. This is the stage where you are preparing the relationship for longevity and fruitfulness.
Be Intentional about Sustaining: Once a relationship is established we need to make sure we are proactive about keeping it going. Often this is the stage where relationships get into trouble because the initial excitement has worn off and we start to take things for granted. Those little quirks that used to be cute may start to be irritating, and all the little extra things we used to do can start to fall away. If we are not careful what has the potential to be a beautiful and fruitful relationship can wither and become full of weeds. In this stage we need to be intentional about the behaviours we build into habits as they will guide the path of the relationship. We need to be intentional about maintaining connection and communication. We need to be intentional about the importance of the relationship and not taking things for granted. We need to be intentional about ensuring that the relationship continues to be a joint effort, not just one person putting in all the work. Going back to our garden analogy, this when we need to be proactive about watering our garden with time and connection, it’s when we need to carefully weed our relationship of conflict and discontent, and it’s when we need to monitor our borders to make sure our boundaries are where they need to be. When we do these things we can also be intentional about enjoying the blossoms of promise that the relationship brings.
Be Intentional about Growing: Once a relationship is solidly build and well maintained, the next step is to be intentional about growing. Just like plants in a garden don’t stay static, we as people are constantly changing. In order for our relationships to remain healthy we need to be proactive about growing them. In the first stage we looked at talking about shared goals and planting seeds for growth, this is where those goals come more into play and the seeds should start to produce fruit. The relationship is less about just focusing on each other and more about how you can jointly have an impact on those around you. This doesn’t mean you don’t focus on each other at all, you still need to be proactive about keeping your relationship healthy and practicing the sustaining behaviours you put in place like the watering and weeding analogies we used, but just like a fruitful garden benefits those around with beauty and produce, so a fruitful relationship should have impacts beyond itself. You may support others in establishing and sustaining their relationships, take on a project together, have a family and sow good seeds into the lives of your children, or some combination of these or a number of other things. But the point is that you grow together. You don’t just flower once and call it a day, you find ways to constantly grow so that the garden of your relationship gets better as time goes on.
Love is a wonderful and powerful thing, but contrary to what The Beatles would have us believe, the feeling of love is not all that we need. In order for our relationships to be the best they can be, we need to be intentional about the “Us”. We need to be intentional about establishing our relationships so they have a healthy basis to grow from. We need to be intentional about sustaining them so that they can be strengthened to get through tough times and continue it positive ways. And we need to be intentional about growing them so that the fruit of our relationships can benefit those around us. So how can you be intentional about the “Us” today?
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